Someday, Maybe In Heaven
by xhalleonlatsyrc
Summary: "If he could, just for one night, he would want to crawl into her arms and have them lay together under the night sky. He'd say he wished things were different, that he was someone else and that he never wanted to let her go." Lavi and Lenalee, in a story that spans over a period of ten years, would come to be each other's most heartbreaking secret. / One-shot, Lavi x Lenalee.


It's been a long while since I did another Lavi / Lenalee fic. I still really love this pairing.

Content: Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Friendship

Status Type: One-shot

Notes: This story is written in a way that jumps back and forth between present and past, and spans over a period of ten years.

* * *

Lavi stared at himself in the mirror, tugging at the bow tie that's just a wee bit too tight for him. He feels slightly helpless because really, he's not good with formal wear at all and he hasn't had the need to wear any in recent years.

Outside the washroom, he could hear all the bustling and chatting from the people in the order, and he sighed to himself, a corner of his lips going the upside. He was feeling nervous, because well, it's a big day after all. Even his palms were perspiring and Lavi quickly wiped them on his black pants.

"Hey Lavi, how long you intending to be here?" Regory Peck said jokingly as he emerged from seemingly nowhere.

Lavi stopped himself from correcting Regory because really, his name isn't Lavi anymore. He's still not used to the people in the Central branch addressing him by that, but it's only just for one day so surely he could let it slide.

"Gonna be out soon. Just thinking I look like a monkey in this whole get-up."

"Well, that's why they call it the monkey suit," said Regory, as he ran his hands quickly under the tap water and went out of the washroom with one wave.

Lavi gave his cheeks a soft slap to ease the nerves before deciding that he really has to be out there now. Exorcists, finders, the staff...his old friends were waiting for him. He can't spend half his life cooped up here.

The Black Order may look mysterious or even creepy from the outside (although most of the general populace wouldn't know this place, not that they should find the need to), today, the lesser-used grand hall was finally put to use for a grand occasion. From top to toe it was decorated beautifully with the classic Italian décor, looking very bright and welcoming indeed, not so much like what's on the outside. The logistics team really outdone themselves on this one.

 _And to think this place was used to lay down hundreds of comrades that'd perished in battle…_

Lavi stopped himself before getting too far with that one thought. Today, none of those morbid thoughts should even find their way into his head. He needs to chill, grab a tortellini or something and relax.

"Why Lavi!"

Instantly, Lavi looked up to see Miranda, who literally threw herself at him in delight.

"Miranda! Hey!"

"Lavi, it's been years since we're all together! How are you?" She asked, as Noise Marie came to join them from behind as well.

"Marie, hey man," Lavi greeted, "I'm…I'm good. A little nervous."

"That is true," Miranda nodded, "I'm feeling that way myself. We don't ever seem to have one of these huge events in this place ever and it's always so dark and gloomy. But look at how bright and wonderful it could be."

"Truly."

Miranda opened her mouth, probably to fire more questions at him, when she suddenly stopped, looked passed him and her hand flew up to her chest as she sighed happily. Lavi turned his head around, a little uncertain, and not quite as ready as he hoped he could be.

The only thing Lavi could manage was to stop and stare, just like what every person in the hall was doing. All the voices suddenly feel muffled as Lavi smiled to himself. Her face, her hair, the wedding dress; All of it looked perfect on her and if there was a word to describe a person that looks even more perfect than the most perfect thing on Earth, he would use it.

"Isn't Lenalee just beautiful?" Miranda remarked beside him.

"Yeah," he said softly. "She is."

* * *

Lavi, standing in between Bookman and another finder named Doug, looked down at the bodies beneath them. They were at the main hall and he was waiting as Komui Lee spoke fervently to them, but more specifically at Bookman.

Just a couple of hours ago, Lavi had found himself at the famed Black Order. He was to become an exorcist, train hard and was expected to juggle all that with his Bookman activities. Admittedly, that's kind of much for a 16-year-old such as himself, but he could handle it. He needed to and he will.

The chief officer, Komui Lee's voice felt a little distant as he continued to stare down at the some two hundred dead bodies one floor below them. There were nurses and other members of the Order fussing about, but there seem to mostly be a lot of discussion and quick scribbling. There is nothing to fix after all. All these people were dead. Lavi thought silently.

 _And soon, they will be forgotten._

It's the tragic truth but the truth nonetheless. And then from the corner of his left eye, he noticed a loud sobbing coming from a girl, who was kneeling right next to a body. Nobody comforted her. In the first place, it felt silly that she was even crying for one person. People die easily and they die everyday. Lavi liked to keep his opinions to himself but he can't help but think her foolish.

"Well," Komui Lee sighed, "I better get down there right now. It's my sister over there, Lenalee Lee. Ninah was a kind finder that she…used to be close to."

Komui Lee shuffled off to get downstairs as Bookman and Doug turned heel to walk in the other direction, with Lavi following closely behind.

Only after that was Lavi officially acquainted with Lenalee, on the training ground several mornings later. At the beginning, he personally did not think much of her and he supposed seeing her as an exorcist, crying over something as trivial as a person lost in battle did not help. But after their first formal handshake, he would admit he's a bit surprised at how happy and cheery she now looked, so different from that day at the huge hall. He had expected her to be sullen, but then he would also soon come to learn that Lenalee is more than what he expects.

Lenalee Lee, younger sister to the obsessive, over-protective Komui Lee and resident lover of chocolate cakes, was the darling of the entire Order. Her steps as light as feather and face as bright as the Sun was something that many would agree was necessary for this place, and she fast became one of Lavi's closest companions. Besides oftentimes throwing themselves headfirst into danger, pitting against the Akuma and Noah clan, Lavi and Lenalee find themselves capable of talking about anything and everything to each other. They were the best of comrades (well, Lavi would've added Kanda Yuu into the list except Kanda always wanted to murder him so technically, they aren't on best terms) but above that; He and Lenalee were close friends.

Lenalee must admit she found Lavi rather amusing. While she was always a little bothered about whether or not Kanda might find her a nuisance, although she was sure he isn't that petty, with Lavi, she never had to feel that way. He was witty and hilarious and although she didn't approve of him angering Kanda just because he felt like it, Lavi always made sure to look out for her and she appreciated that deeply.

Two years passed quickly, with Allen Walker joining the Order and a series of events taking place. They had all escaped the brink of death (quite a number of times for that matter), but Lavi must say two years seem to do wonders for girls.

He never said it out loud, definitely not, but he does pay a little extra attention to Lenalee. She'd been cute all along but now, there was an air about her that was different, more mature. But when he realizes that his thoughts are moving towards a more dangerous, forbidden territory, he'd always stop himself right there and move along. He could protect her, take care of her but he isn't allowed to grow fond of anyone, no matter who it may be. Lenalee is no exception and Lavi is determined to keep it that way.

But Lenalee noticed the way Lavi fusses about her. From her depression over the fallen Suman Dark, to her state in Edo, Lavi had stayed by her side and did his best to protect her. He didn't need to run over a dozen men and risk injury to be with her but he did so what more could you ask from a close comrade.

She could say the same for Allen and Kanda and Kyory, friends whom she's worried over and whom also fought hard in battle to protect them all so…surely this can't be what she think it is. Surely it rings the same for Lavi.

As they exit the arc back into the Central branch (and got past all the excessive celebrations, courtesy of Komui's thoughtfulness), it felt like they all could finally slow down and take a breather.

That night, Lenalee felt so blessed to be under the running shower. She never knew a proper shower could feel so wonderful and to wash the grit and grim out of her hair and body was bliss. The feeling is further amplified by knowing that her family and friends are well and alive, and she was back to the Order, safe.

As she emerged from the female showers and walked along the quiet hallway towards her room, she ran in Lavi quite unexpectedly.

The feeling of them all having just been through so much washed over her and she didn't even realize what she was doing until she started to cry. She was more than just elated; She and Lavi and everyone were back and they're finally all together.

Lavi enveloped Lenalee in his arms quietly, allowing her head to rest on his chest.

"It's okay to cry," he said. "I'm here."

She did, and Lavi held her for a while till her cries were reduced to quiet sobs.

"I…I'm sorry," Lenalee half laughed, albeit the fact that they could both see she was still emotional. She pulled back from him a little to look up at him, and said, "I'm just happy that we're all alright."

"I know," Lavi said with a smile, his eyes meeting hers. "Me too."

It was just them in one long, quiet hallway, her still in his arms. A million things ran through Lavi's mind in that split second, mostly involving loud alarms and flashing lights in the background that warn him of the territory that he must never dare venture into, which he'd conveniently seemed to push away at that moment.

He could feel his weakening willpower as he leaned down towards her just a little, only to have Lenalee tear herself away from his hold.

"I should…probably go to the nurse's. Uhm, they're expecting me to stay there for the next couple of days so…"

Lenalee was practically blurting out of embarrassment and Lavi quickly replied, "Yeah, of course. Sure." He watched as she went away hurriedly, disappearing down the hallway.

Only then did it hit him that they were only that close to doing the wrong thing. Lavi vowed that night that he was never going to let such a moment happen ever again, no matter how tempted he was.

Now if only he could get rid of the feeling of having her in his arms.

She really did smell good after all.

* * *

Everyone was abuzz, looking at Lenalee and complimenting how absolutely stunning she looked in a wedding gown. It really caused Lenalee to blush furiously at all the attention she was getting but at the same time, it feels quite nice. Lenalee was especially delighted when even Kanda praised her.

"That dress…it's very nice on you," he said.

Lenalee beamed, "Thank you, General Kanda. You look rather dashing yourself. I thought you weren't going to wear a suit."

"Well, since you asked and took the liberty to remind me several times, I thought I'll make an exception."

Lenalee couldn't be happier. She knew Kanda's compliments were rare and although she probably was the receiver for most of it (Kanda never complimented any of his co-workers or the staff, but since she and he practically grew up together, and she was a girl, he was much nicer to her in comparison), it truly made Lenalee's night.

Lenalee looked past Kanda simply by chance, and her eyes met that of a person she'd never quite expected.

 _Lavi._

 _He came._

"If you'll excuse me…" Lenalee picked up her dress and walked hurriedly towards Lavi, throwing her arms around him. She almost felt like crying, because she wasn't expecting him to show. He's been busy and running all over the world and yet, here he is now.

As she pulled away from him, a smile plastered on her face, she could see the happy expression on his as well.

"You came after all," Lenalee looked up at him.

"Not even wild horses can keep me away," he smirked. He felt nothing but relief at that moment, seeing how perfectly happy and healthy Lenalee looked, that nothing else really quite matters anymore.

"Congratulations," he said.

Lenalee beamed, "Thank you."

It felt as though time stopped for just that while and it was just them two, looking right into each others' eyes. It felt as though nothing had changed and the time that had long gone didn't go away at all. Everything felt just…fine.

Except the moment didn't last as long as either of them hoped. The music and buzz returned, the lights became seemingly more glaring and suddenly, Allen's face into clear view.

"Hey Lavi!" Allen came swinging by, an arm conveniently looping itself around Lenalee's waist, as he greeted him loudly. He was so excited, almost like a little kid that Lenalee's focus quickly shifted to him as well.

Lavi's smile stayed on his face the whole time, showing not a speck of any other emotion. Everything about this current situation is only right and there's nothing else that he'll rather have than two of the closest people in his life be happy together.

Nothing else at all.

* * *

Age 18, Lenalee only grew all the more cautious of her actions around a certain someone each day. It sounds almost ridiculous, especially since she and Lavi had been friends since forever but now, she feels an urge to keep a conscious distance between them. The only hope she has is that Lavi doesn't question her and that nobody else does either, for that matter.

"Lenalee, are you…avoiding Lavi?" Allen asked over breakfast one morning.

It sent her into a sudden panic mode, which she tried to play off instantly with a smile on her face, "No, of course not! I'm not avoiding anyone!"

"Really?" Allen wore an expression of disbelief.

"Really!"

Then, not long after, came the invasion of the Black Order. Lenalee's innocence evolved and they all fought hard to protect their home and family. Lavi were one of the people she genuinely wanted to protect and when the battle was over, it felt as though they'd all gone through yet another huge hurdle.

A day after the battle ends, Lenalee goes to find Lavi.

She rapped softly on the door to his room, "Lavi, it's Lenalee."

She heard a shuffle of books from behind, before Lavi pulled open the door to let her in. Bookman wasn't around, and Lavi was alone, surrounded by books and notes as usual. She also noticed the huge cut he'd gotten on his arm while trying to protect her was still there, exposed and badly treated.

"Lavi, you can't do that. You have to wrap it properly."

"The nurses are all busy and I have lots of stuff to document anyway. These sort of small cuts are fine, really." He said it in a light tone.

Lenalee frowned, "I won't have it. Where's the first aid kit in your room?"

Lavi could tell she was serious and she won't leave till he made that first aid kit appear. It took him a bit of effort to dig up the first aid kit but he found it and Lenalee sat him down, cleaning his wound and bandaging him up.

"I'll be worried you know," Lenalee remarked as she cleaned, "You have to take care of yourself."

"I will," he laughed. "I'm just busy right now."

Lenalee kept unusually quiet, uncertain of what to say. He notices her shift uncomfortably in her seat.

"I know," Lavi said all of a sudden, "You want to keep a distance between us." This caused Lenalee to look up at him instantly. Had she really made it that obvious? All the avoiding and averting…it wasn't what she'd intended for.

"It's…it's not that," she corrected hurriedly, "I really didn't mean to avoid you. It's just that…it's something I don't even know myself."

"Did I do something you didn't like?" he asked.

The air in the room was thick and Lenalee was even a little afraid of how Lavi was looking at her right now, as if he could see through all her little fickle emotions and tell straightaway if she dared to even lie (not that she would).

"That's not it! It's just something that…oh never mind!"

Lenalee threw her hands up and gave up trying to even explain anything, going back to finishing up the bandaging, although she could swear that Lavi's continual gaze on her was making her heart pound faster than ever.

"Lenalee…" he spoke, and Lenalee raised her head once again, only to realize the closing distance between them both. But he stopped, pulling back just a bit just right before their lips touched.

"If you don't say anything to stop me, I will kiss you," were Lavi's words.

Lenalee didn't know anything anymore, except that it'd been tiring trying to prioritize her mind over her heart and she'd been doing it for so long.

 _So very long_.

She didn't reply and only closed her eyes when Lavi leaned even closer to have their lips meet. They were kissing for the first time and Lenalee only returned the kiss, feeling at that point as if she'd been keeping something in for such a long time and she'd finally let it out. Lavi's lips on hers felt so soft, the slight stubble of his brushing against the side of her mouth as he deepened the kiss.

It felt as though all this time they'd both been holding themselves back. Lavi didn't mean to but he wanted it and he pushed his tongue into her mouth, wanting to taste all of her, kissing her deeply. Lenalee only obliged, giving in and kissing back. One of her hands came up to cup the side of his face as she leaned even closer into him, for reasons she could not explain herself. Lavi didn't hold back either, tilting her chin upwards just a little more to better kiss her. He'd wanted this, and he'd wanted it since such a long time ago.

The kiss lasted for only a couple of minutes, before Lenalee realized how shy she'd been feeling all this while and pulled away first, looking into Lavi's eyes as they held hands.

They kept silent for a bit till Lavi broke that silence with a smile. "That felt nice."

Lenalee blushed, before speaking quietly, "I liked it too."

"Well, you could've fooled me."

And then, he kissed her for the second time that day.

* * *

Lavi sat uncomfortably down at his table, with Kyory on one side and Miranda on his other. All the guests have come and settled down at where they should as well. It wasn't a particularly large event but one glance and Lavi could see many familiar faces. Epstain from the North American Branch, Fermi from the Middle Eastern Branch and a clearly, still very unhappy Bak Chang from the Asian Branch sniffing away in his corner.

Bak wasn't the only one upset and tearing away, as Komui Lee, who couldn't even see pass his clouded spectacles to do a proper welcoming toast. Ultimately, after some fiddling around, Brigette Fay, the assistant chief had to step in to get things moving.

The food service begun next and Lavi chatted with his fellow ex-colleagues whilst everyone dug in heartily.

"Who knew though right? Allen and Lenalee," Krory remarked. All the exorcists from the European branch were sat together, including Lavi, even though he really had been MIA for quite a bit.

"They've always been close," Chaozi nodded, "I think they make a wonderful pair."

Lavi turned his gaze to Allen and Lenalee, who were seated only a table away from theirs. He could see the way that Allen looked at her; Full of care and love, which is exactly what Lenalee needed and deserved.

"Well, there was once a long period when Lenalee felt very distant from everyone," said Kyory. Lavi turned his attention back to the table, admittedly curious.

"Yeah, you're right," Chaozi agreed. "She looked very…sad back then, even though she doesn't try to show it. I think we're all relieved when Allen showed up."

"I think that was…a little after Bookman and Lavi left? It was so long ago but we all remember. Nobody knew what to do with Lenalee."

Lavi swallowed, "But…after that, she's okay right?"

"Oh, don't you worry, Lavi," Miranda said, "We all know she was like that because Allen went absent all of a sudden then. When he came back, everything slowly became better."

Kyory looked towards the couple, "They both needed each other, and that rings true even till now. What better love story can there be?"

Lavi stayed put in his seat quietly, as the voices surrounding him began to feel unfamiliar and muffled. Deep down, somewhere, he felt the truth wasn't so; That Lenalee's sadness wasn't because of Allen but because of him.

He believed so because when he left the Order then, he'd felt the exact same way about Lenalee.

* * *

Lavi and Lenalee had become each other's secret. By day, they would be apart from each other, working and training hard, but by night, they wanted nothing but to be together.

Nobody knew, not even their closest comrades or family members or Bookman (well, maybe Bookman had an inkling about it, the man always does. But he sure didn't say anything so Lavi kept his mouth shut as well.) Lavi had all along realized his attraction for Lenalee and had kept away from her, albeit in a less-obvious manner, but now, he can't imagine keeping away from her anymore.

Being a Bookman didn't forbid him to not interact or get close to anyone, but that only applies to if they somehow have valuable information or if it ultimately gets him to some. Technically, Lenalee wasn't valuable to him in that sense, and he can't imagine why he'll want to be near her except that he felt really, _really_ attracted to her. He wanted to see more of her smile, to see more of her. And it only makes it all the more significant that she wanted to be with him as well.

When night fell and things became quieter, Lenalee would steal away to somewhere scarce of people with him. They would kiss and talk and kiss some more, and it feels exciting to Lenalee, this secret relationship of theirs. She can't say for sure she really likes him that way but she is only more than willing to find out.

"You're okay with this? With us being like this." Lavi asked as they lay on Lenalee's bed. (Komui does not come in from night onwards. He's overly attached but at least he still has the sense to give her some privacy.)

Lenalee nodded, her fingers playing with his hair.

"I understand. I know things will become awkward if it gets out."

Lavi looks thoughtful for two seconds, "Lenalee, I will hurt you one day. I can't keep myself away from you but if you tell me to, I'll make it happen."

He watches her eyebrows furrow almost immediately, as if it's never crossed her mind. It probably really didn't.

"You won't. I want this. We're both adults and I can handle it."

The moment her fingers reached to touch his face, the feeling of just her being this close to him, it feels as if all his worries and fears could just disappear. He pulled her closer, kissing her hard, and felt one of her legs running up his own. Out of nowhere, he felt a sudden need to overpower her and he flipped her on her back, eliciting a tiny giggle from her.

"You don't know this is what you want," he said breathily.

Lenalee feels a shiver run down her own back.

"I do," she whispered, as she pulled him down to kiss him again and again, "I just want to be with you. It's not…" She could feel her breathing get heavier as Lavi attacks the area below her ear, sucking hard. "It's not that hard."

Lavi taunts her with more kisses over the next few minutes, getting her all hot and bothered, and just when she's eagerly kissing back, Lavi forces the kisses to slow down before breaking away from her. Lenalee could never get used to this unpredictable side of him. His hands still remain on her waist but he feels unusually uneasy.

"What's the matter?" Lenalee asks, concerned.

"I can't do this. I'm not a good person, and it's not fair to you."

Lenalee looks exasperated, "Lavi, we've had this conversation a few times. I've known you for years now and I know you're a good person. Even if you can't see it yourself…I can." She forced him to look straight into her eyes. She only wants him to believe in himself, the way she does.

Lavi puts his forehead against hers, and takes a deep breath.

"The last thing I want is for you to be hurt."

Lenalee kisses him on the forehead gently.

"You won't," she replies.

Since that very night, Lavi never brought it up ever again. He continued to see her because she makes him feel alive, feel as if he can escape the cruel world they're in. But Lavi is also realistic and he can't see a future for them. Not when she's needed here and especially not when he's a Bookman. He couldn't foresee anyone approving of them and he couldn't foresee her ever being truly happy with just him in the future.

It was now nearly 5 in the morning.

Lavi lain in bed next to Lenalee, not having had much sleep at all but at least, he was glad to see Lenalee sleeping well.

He shifted a little to move her arm away from his chest so he could leave before day breaks. As he puts his boots on, he turns around to steal a glance at her, then lifting a hand towards her to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear.

She deserves better and he knows it.

* * *

The toasts and cake cutting went along smoothly, and it seems as though the Order really needed something like this to perk things up. Everyone was in a good mood and everyone was happy for the new couple. It felt as though that day right there was the best day ever.

"Now, may the bride and groom have their first dance!" Komui finally got himself together to say this one sentence, before beginning to shed tears (again), earning himself weird looks from those standing near him.

Allen moved forward to take Lenalee's hand, and at that point, all eyes were fixated on them.

Lavi felt terribly out of place there. He usually didn't find a problem in making himself comfortable and could get into a role pretty easily (he's had years and years of training after all) but right now, he wasn't particularly feeling like he wanted to be there.

 _Maybe coming here's a mistake…_

Lavi, while everyone was getting busy at the dance, showed himself to the door and exited to the balcony. The air was cool and it was completely quiet outside. He didn't feel like dancing or facing anyone. He just wanted to be alone.

"Lavi, what are you doing out here?"

"Oh, nothing I was just-," Lavi swerved around, a laugh plastered on his face, only to find the voice belonging to Lenalee.

"You really should be inside you know," he said.

"I know," she said, coming up to stand beside him. "I just thought it'd be nice to take a break too. It's been a _looong_ day."

She took a deep breath, a hand on her chest, looking as if she's really enjoying being out there, crisp air and all.

"Ah, look," Lenalee said, her head titled upwards. "The stars tonight look really pretty." She was completely fascinated by them and they honestly looked enchanting, the whole mass of them glistening up in the dark sky.

Lavi took a look up but his focus quickly shifted to her, even though Lenalee doesn't yet realize it. She's perfect, looking even more mature now and simply just…

"…beautiful," he said, before catching himself in the nick of time, almost wanting to hit himself for letting the word slip.

Lenalee mistook it to be him speaking about the stars. "Aren't they?" Lenalee agreed.

"No, I meant, yes but," Lavi somewhat stuttered, "I mean...would you like to dance?"

Lenalee's face brightened up, "Why, of course! I'd love to."

Lavi took one of hands, his other arm around her waist, and they swayed side by side slowly to a quiet beat. For the first time in a long time, Lenalee once again feels how it is to be against Lavi's tall frame. The familiarity of it, she'd missed, although she would never say it out loud.

They danced for a while, his hands on her slim waist, looking into each other's eyes.

"This is the first time we're dancing," Lenalee notes.

"It is."

Lenalee doesn't say anything more, but she finds an urge to hug him. Maybe she's missed him too much and that is probably true, but surely one hug doesn't hurt…

Except Lavi took her by surprise and he puts his arms around her first. She swallowed hard, before realizing her arms were going around him as well, hugging him back. She finds herself recognizing the feeling of simply feeling like she belonged in his arms, which frankly scared her, more than anything, although she only obliged by leaning her head against his chest.

Their actions only had them feeling wrong. It was moment of weakness, even though it satisfies the thought of them having missed each other.

They pulled away after a short while. Because he can't love and Lenalee can no longer allow herself to love someone like that.

Lenalee could feel her tears welling up and thanking the night sky for it hid them, she quickly picked up her dress, turned away and walked off, leaving Lavi on his own.

* * *

The one thing about Lenalee is that she's too hopeful. She thinks good things come to good people and they will also come to those who wait.

That's why she pins her hopes on Lavi and that smile of his, the smile that charms her and that she thinks about all the time. Even though he's never called her his girlfriend, Lenalee is okay with it and thinks it as a silent acknowledgement. It's wishful thinking, yes, but she silently wants to be the reason he smiles, the way he is for her. She doesn't care about acknowledgement or the 'I Love Yous'. She isn't the sort of girl that needs those things.

There wasn't anything wrong with Lenalee, except she is too positive to see pass an empty, sad soul, and all that's beyond what mere words and never-to-be-fulfilled promises.

Lenalee takes note of every single promise they make, no matter how tiny. Be it her teaching him to cook someday, or him teaching her a new language or history that he's witnessed from some part of the world, she'll remember it. Lenalee often feels she doesn't even deserve him because really, Lavi is so many things. He is kind, forward-looking and encouraging, and one of the most hardworking people she'll ever know. And she likes him best when he's working because the serious expression on his face, with slight wrinkles creased over his forehead, is incredibly attractive. Everyday, she is finding something out about him that she is quick to like.

The truth is, Lenalee is young and falling in love.

And on the night before her 19th birthday, Lavi presents her with a pair of earrings he's bought from town. They were in Lavi and Bookman's room, which he had taken the liberty to pack (a little), and so conveniently Bookman is away to another branch and wouldn't be back till the next evening.

"It's nothing but…I hope you like it," he says. Lenalee opens it up to find earrings, a pair of dainty stars, small and simple, just the way she likes it.

"I love them," she replies, leading him to break into a smile. She puts them on as Lavi watches.

"It looks good on you," he approves. "Damn do I have good taste."

Lenalee giggles, and then leans in to kiss him on the side of his face.

"Thank you, Lavi."

She watches as the smile on his face slowly disappears and his next kiss on her is that of a needy, hungry one. Lenalee is taken by surprise but she closes her eyes and kiss back, trying to match his pace. But something about him is different tonight and she feels it instantly; He's kissing her harder than ever and even when she breaks the kiss to turn aside, just to catch her breath, he turns her face right back to his and forces her to kiss him back again.

Lenalee's face is red, her hair all over and she's breathing hard. Just stealing a single look at her face turns him on more than ever, and he can only imagine all the things he'd like to do to her.

Lavi returns to capture her lips with his own, a hand cupping her face and the other on her stomach. It takes Lenalee only a second to confirm the direction where things are headed; He pulls her blouse halfway up and has a hand at the side of her breasts. She doesn't stop him, although she is nervous, and slowly, Lavi's kisses become slightly less fueled, travelling downwards. He lays kisses on her chin, her neck and the area above her chest. Whatever nervousness Lenalee was feeling is now turning into a want she doesn't understand.

"Lavi…" Lenalee pants, her eyes glazed over and her heart racing.

He hears her, looks up and notices how her expression has changed, which truthfully only makes him want her even more. Lenalee sits herself up quickly, reaches to pull her own blouse over her head, and then returns to grab Lavi's face in her hands so she could kiss him passionately. Lavi returns the kiss, but a sudden wave of sensibility hits him.

This isn't right. Nothing about this situation is. No matter how much he feels his self-restrain is waning away, especially with Lenalee now straddling him, moaning as they made out, making him want to do a thousand things to her, he can't and he mustn't. If he allowed it and they both went all the way, he is certain that not just him but Lenalee would deeply regret it in future.

Very reluctantly, Lavi pulled himself away from her, only to see her confused expression on her beautiful, flushed face.

"What's the matter?" she asks, her fingers running down his face.

"This….is as far as we can take it. We gotta stop."

"I don't understand."

Lavi let out a small sigh. "You will regret it. Not right now but after that, you will."

"But I want this. I…I want you, Lavi," Lenalee begs, closing into him, her hands balled up in fists as she grabs hold of his shirt tightly.

Every bit of self-control is seeping away. Lavi realizes he can't be with her like this, even though he was the one to blame for letting things go this way first. To begin with, Lenalee was someone that he should only be able to dream about at most. He's a guy with physical urges just like any other but he could never actually allow himself to do this to her. He respected her and he wanted to continue to do that.

Reluctantly, Lavi asks for Lenalee to leave and when she obliged, he walks her to her room, kisses her on the forehead once before turning to return to his room.

Two days later, Lavi leaves the Order for good.

* * *

Walking away from Lavi at the balcony, Lenalee finally pauses down at an empty hallway. The moonlight hits her on the face and only after a while does she realize she'd unknowingly been crying.

Lenalee hated herself for crying this easily. It was like this in the past and it's still the same now. She cried when she was happy and she cried when she was sad, but the one thing that made her cry the most was Lavi. She shouldn't be crying on her one big day but here she was.

Five years ago, one morning, Lenalee had woken up to the usual smell of her pillow and the sun streaming into her room. She'd gotten up like usual, dressed as usual and looked forward to another new day like she always did. Except the news that Lavi has just left several hours ago hits her like nothing else ever did.

Lenalee remembers how she ran to his room, only to find it all too neat and empty. She revisits all the usual spots they used to hang out at, and when she finds nothing she re-looks, only to feel another heavy pang of disappointment when she realizes- Lavi is really gone.

He didn't leave a note, didn't leave a new address. Lavi didn't say anything and the only thing he did when she last saw him was his giving her a smile.

" _I'll see you."_

His voice, so gentle and so familiar, and that smile which she'd never assumed would hide a thing from her were all just a façade. And she had believed in it.

Lenalee grew angry, then sad, then angry all over again. She hated herself but at the same time, she hated Lavi. Those few months after his leaving was terrible; for the first time in her life, she truly empathized with how it felt to put on a smile on the outside, despite feeling terrible and crumbling on the inside.

She kept herself busy during most days if she wasn't sent on a mission, and even in her free time she'd occupy it by reading or drawing. But eventually, you have to crawl into bed each night and it is then when she faces the monsters inside of her.

She'd think about Lavi, as silly as it sounds, but even if she could forget about the way Lavi looked and the things they did together, she would never be able to forget the way he made her feel. The first moment she wakes up and the last moment before she drifts off to sleep, there would always only be one person on her mind.

She remembers. The way he looked at her, the way he held her in his arms and how he tasted when they kissed. She'd tried to deny it, fight it but Lavi, no matter where he'd gone, would remain the same person she'd loved then.

What she'd thought would be impossible to get over, Lenalee eventually does. Time does heal the wounds inflicted inside of you, and Lenalee knows it. Everyday, as unbelievable as it might sound, it gets a bit better and a bit brighter. Lenalee matures and she becomes someone with more poise, more knowledge and more strength. She does well leading the newer exorcists and after over a year, Lenalee starts to see Allen Walker.

She was afraid at the beginning because if the second relationship was anything like the first, it could only mean more heartache, more disappointment and more pain. But Allen was nothing like Lavi. He was accepting and encouraging and while she was hesitant at first, he gave Lenalee a reason to love and hope again. There was also no need to hide the relationship.

She'd be lying if she said she doesn't think about what happened between her and Lavi. Sometimes, even after two years, Lenalee still sees him in her mind. He certainly finds his way into her thoughts whenever she sees things like wasabi (he hated those things to the core) or even a familiar shade of red on a stranger's hair. She wonders where he could possibly be now. What is he doing, where he is and who he's with, and if he is well.

The questions remain unanswered, as always. The only thing Lenalee ever wishes would be that no matter where he is, he'll be just as safe and as happy as she is. But she doesn't pine for him, not anymore. She thinks about it once in a long while but that is all she does. That is when Lenalee realizes.

She is no longer in love with Lavi.

It was a somewhat sad realization but as time passed and only memories were left, Lenalee stopped feeling in love with the man who'd once filled her heart. She only hopes the best for them both, and she no longer harbors the thought of his ever returning. She was committed to someone else, someone who did all his best to make her the happiest woman on Earth and she would never betray or throw away that kind of love.

Lenalee makes her way to her bedroom quietly from the hallway, a serene mask on her face, and comes to the chest of drawers and pulls it open.

The earrings, the pair of dainty little stars which she hasn't wore for years still sat in the same spot at the side of her drawer as it did years ago, when she last took them off in a fit of anger and frustration.

It was the sole thing she allowed herself to keep.

* * *

Some years ago, Lavi, aged 21, left the Black Order after being stationed there for five years.

After very nearly having a sexual encounter with Lenalee, he'd instantly requested to switch to a separate branch. He'd stated his reasons to Bookman and the higher ups that the recent chaotic activity in China was something that was necessary to observe (and while Bookman did not completely believe his bullshit, there wasn't anything in the European branch worth staying for at the moment in all technicality). They were granted permission and all that's left is for Lavi to pack his bags and get on the earliest train next morning.

Along the day, he did not inform anyone. There wasn't a need to. His companionship to the branch came with an expiration date and as Bookman, he did not have any obligation to tell anyone except the necessary higher-ups. That day, Lavi wore a smile on his face each time he comes across a colleague or staff, even to Lenalee.

Lenalee had asked him for some of his time but without making any further promises, he'd declined, only saying that he had work to do. She did not pry and left him to his devices, as how she'd normally be.

The next morning, in a foggy, quiet town in Italy, Lavi and Bookman board the train and left.

A week later, they arrive promptly in Cheng Du, China. Lavi begins to take on a new alias, although still affiliated with the Black Order. He brushes up on his Chinese, begins to have congee for breakfast and as far as concerned, it was brand new chapter in life. One that did not include Lenalee.

Time passes and Lavi switch between even more aliases. He mostly hovered about, traveling China, a bit of South East Asia and the Middle East, which included weary days of unfamiliar insects as a staple food, picking up random dialects and lots of documenting. Looking into the mirror one noon, Lavi comes to realization that he's indeed gotten a fair bit older now. He isn't like back those days, younger, more energetic and crazier.

Some nights are harder to get pass than others, and when alcohol and cigarettes no longer provide the comfort, and only human contact could make the loneliness more bearable, Lavi goes looking. He sleeps with a dozen girls, revisits the few prettier, more welcoming ones sometimes, but all of them are with no strings attached. The girls are after his money, and some might be interested in him but he doesn't care about them in any way. They just make him feel good for that short period of time and it numbs him a little so that's all there is to it.

Lavi moves along in life, keeps himself busy and at one point, even gets engaged. She was a pretty young thing from the Bookman clan, a cheery girl a couple of years his junior. They'd dated; She was very much into him and Lavi almost thought she might be the one. But as time passed, the incompatibilities surfaced and while Lavi is only willing to continue this, the girl would not. They went their separate ways soon after.

Fast-forward five years, here he is. He's certainly more knowledgeable and has fulfilled all his duties thus far (Bookman is proud, hopefully), but little things here and there still remind him of his best days at the Black Order. Days, which he had truthfully missed.

Lavi never belonged anywhere but he had people who claim him as friend or comrade when he was there. He also had someone who'd loved and trusted him and made him feel whole.

He had Lenalee, but he no longer has her.

An extremely tiny, naïve part of him wonders if she still thinks about him. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he hopes so, but he is not sure.

If he could, just for one night, he would want to crawl into her arms and have them lay together under the night sky. He'd kiss those lips again and put her hands close on his chest and there'll be no one else but them. He'd say that he wished things were different, that he was someone else and that he never wanted to let her go.

But, ultimately, he knew even if he could turn back time, things wouldn't have been much different. He made a choice on his own and he made sure it was a clean cut. Lenalee is mature and she'd understand.

She'll be happy and in a way that Lavi never can provide.

* * *

On her 24th birthday, Allen Walker proposes to Lenalee Lee. It was an uproar; The entire Order found out within the span of the next several hours and there was a very teary Komui who could not find it in himself to stop crying, but otherwise there were just a load of congratulatory messages and happy faces. Lenalee herself was beyond delighted. She was confident being with Allen, that he would care for her and protect her and she would do the same for him. Seeing the quaint little ring on her finger, it only brings a brighter smile to her face.

Over the next few months, in between the training and strategizing against the Noah clan, Lenalee and Allen planned for a grand wedding. Word of it spread to the other branches but it was still kept confidential and on the down-low, lest any evil-beings decided to hatch some unforeseeable plot against them.

It'd been a dream, ever since Lenalee was young, to be all dolled up in a beautiful, elegant wedding gown. So one afternoon, while Allen is away overseas on a mission with a new exorcist and some finders, Lenalee goes down to town for a fitting.

It feels…insane, just putting on the gown. As she smoothen her hands down the silk cloth, she feels like a woman. She also picks out a few suits for Allen that she thought were nice, and sets a tentative date so he's able to come back and pick one for himself. Lenalee is unlike the other ladies. It is an unconventional method but she is independent and able to make decisions. The wedding lady doesn't ask but surely she is questioning how a lady is able to come out and do a fitting alone, without her fiancé or family member.

Lenalee does a bit of shopping, and craving for an afternoon tea and perhaps a biscuit, she stops by a small café at a turn of the street. The café is bathed in warm afternoon light and smells wonderfully of fresh coffee. It only lifts her spirits up. She orders, brings her tea and biscuits to a nice seat by the window, and barely sits down before she lifts her head and spots a familiar sight right outside the window.

Every bit of her calmness seeps away as she recognizes who it is. Even after so many years, after all the memories she thought she'd forgotten…

Lavi still looks the same. Older and more rugged but still the same handsome face, tall frame and bright red hair. And Lavi spots her as well, instantly coming to a halt. The only thing that separates them now is a single, thin windowpane. She watches silently as he swallows. None of them expected this.

Lavi enters the café, orders a coffee and comes up to Lenalee's table. Neither knew how to react. It had been years after all.

"Can I take a seat?" he asks.

Lenalee looks into his eyes with her large, dark ones, and nods once.

Lavi slides into the seat easily, slipping out of his thick jacket and running through his hair once. He is no longer wearing his headband it seems. Lenalee notes that many things about Lavi seemed to have changed, but then again Lavi could probably say the same thing about her.

The cup of coffee comes and Lavi takes it in his hands, but doesn't lift it up to drink. Where does one even start?

"How are-," they both open their mouth to say the same thing at the same time, and stops short together as well.

"You first," Lenalee insists.

She watches him nod. "I'm good, Lenalee. Still in one piece. I honestly didn't expect to run into you here."

Lenalee smiles, "The branch relocated after the Level 4 attack. It was a mess but the newer place is better, more conspicuous and larger room too. This town is the nearest to us."

"I see. You look good though."

"Thanks," Lenalee rubs her hands together. "It's been busy but same stuff; Everyone's coping well and we're all doing the best we can."

"That is nice to hear."

"And what about you? How is the Bookman stuff coming?"

Lavi forces a smile on his face, something that he does so often but only seemed so hard at this moment. "I have. Uh, well, the old panda and I are still traveling, same old. He's currently at Moldova. I'll join him once I get some documents picked up and sorted out but things have been slack lately."

He watches as Lenalee takes it in, probably his being here more than anything else that's tumbling out of his mouth. Truth be told, he is doing the same. He can't help but stare at her, taking in every bit of her that's in front of him and wondering if it's even real.

"…Lavi. Lavi?" Lenalee cocks her head to a side. He snaps back to attention, mentally hitting himself for being this easily distracted.

"Yeah, sorry, lack of uh, sleep." He mumbles.

Lenalee giggles. "But you love your sleep. You can't function 100% without your 7 hours and an afternoon nap."

"That…" Lavi searches for a comeback but finds none, "…is true. But you can't expect everyone to be like you, using free time in afternoons to practice cooking. Some of us like our sleep."

"It pays off. My pancakes are pretty good, if I can say so myself."

"Can't forget them. You weren't half bad in the kitchen. Now if it were me…"

"You'd have blown up the kitchen a long time ago!"

"…I was gonna say that I'd have done a better job, but thank you for underestimating me," Lavi says humourously, a sarcastic tone in his voice.

Lenalee puts on a disbelieving face and bursts out laughing, which sends Lavi laughing to himself as well. He hasn't been able to be like this in such a long while. It feels refreshing, almost a release, a feeling that he didn't know would be possible for him to feel again.

A quiet moment lingered in the air. He watches her as she presses her lips together into a thin line, and she notices as she runs a finger up and down the handle of the porcelain cup. The sun outside is now setting and a beautiful orange light spreads itself over them both, enveloping them in all that it is.

Despite the emotions raging inside of him, Lavi is the first to speak calmly.

"I'm glad you're doing well, Lenalee."

Her eyes dart down as she smiles lightly.

"So am I. It has been way, way too long, hasn't it?"

Lavi notices her darker eye circles. The more defined shape of her face. Her hair that's falling down from behind her ear. And the lips that he used to kiss. He thought about all the things that have changed and then he thought about the things that didn't. For one, it frankly scares the hell out of him that he still feels so strongly about her. It was as if everything had taken a 180-degree spin and someone pressed the fast-forward button but with Lenalee, it was the same.

Maybe…it was a naïve thought but just maybe, he could go back to loving her again. How many years had he been waiting in silence for…

Lenalee was taken by slight surprise when Lavi reaches over and puts his hand lightly above hers. It feels warm, almost comforting. And then, she hears him apologize.

"I'm sorry I took off that day without a word."

Lenalee's eyes widen a little. He has her rapt attention.

"It's a late apology. But I'm really sorry." Lavi mumbles.

Lenalee's face carried an unreadable expression for a while, and she refused to look at him. But these were not the words she wanted to hear. Not after since it'd been years.

"I don't want your apology, Lavi."

She puts her other hand over his, "I only want you to do what you want. Whatever you feel is right. And that night you left, you did it because you felt it was the most correct thing."

He hears her, but his eyes sit on her hand, the one that she just brought up. It was something he should've noticed right off the bat. A small but beautiful ring was sitting right there, on her finger.

"You're getting married," he dared breathe.

Lenalee nods. "With Allen."

Lavi takes it in, albeit it being quite the surprise that he never saw coming. He doesn't let any of the slight disappointment he feels show, just pure surprise.

"Allen's fine. He'll make sure to take care of you."

"I know he will," Lenalee agrees.

Lenalee watches but Lavi shows no other fickle emotion, except that he's concentrated, thinking about something. This isn't new. Since when did she ever really know what Lavi was thinking about anyway? She has tried and she's trying again now, but he was never one that's easy to read.

Lenalee lets her hands slip away from under his, taking in a deep breath.

"The wedding is soon, the next weekend in fact. If you might still be around and you're able, I'm sure many of us back at the order will love for you to come," Lenalee says gently, "Including myself."

She doesn't say another word, and then promptly excused herself. Lavi watched her gather her things, then leaving the quiet café. When she passed him on the opposite side of the window, she gives him a small smile.

It had been a peaceful and peculiar meeting. Lavi had envisioned this scene several hundred times in his head before; He and Lenalee would someday reunite, either in battle, or if he had to return to the order one day, or simply in the middle of a market street. Today's meeting had been fate, one he certainly could have never seen coming.

Suddenly pulling his wallet out, Lavi counts the notes he has roughly. He's going to need a suit.

After all, he has a wedding to attend.

* * *

It was 4:30 in the morning, but Lenalee woke up again. This must've been the fourth or fifth time in one short night.

Beside her, she could feel soft breathing. A hand wrapped loosely around waist. Allen was fast asleep and it was only normal, seeing how late he'd stayed up entertaining the crowd, having only crawled into bed three hours ago. By then, Lenalee had already exited the party, shed her gown and gotten ready for bed.

But the events from last night wouldn't stop replaying in her head. Lavi's arms wrapped securely around her. Her tears, free falling. The earrings that she'd put on without even her knowing why.

The morning was cooling, and donning on just her chemise, Lenalee gets out of bed quietly, grabs a cardigan to wrap around her shoulders, before heading out.

As expected, the entire order was completely quiet. Everyone was still asleep, and the only things that were roaming the halls were the usual golems. Lenalee didn't really know what she was doing, but she headed for the side gates intuitively.

It was foggy, the sky still dark and the temperature colder than she'd expected, as she crossed the stony path, passing the bushes that lined neatly by its side. She didn't even have proper shoes on, and the ones she had on were too thin to provide any warmth. But at the same time, this was the most peace that she'd been able to get in quite a while.

She came to the end of the walkway. There was no one. Beyond the gate would be the outside already. Standing there, Lenalee notes that the sky seemed to have gotten brighter, but only by a tad.

"Lenalee?" A familiar voice calls out to her, breaking the silence.

Lenalee whirls around, to see the face that she'd all along been harbouring the thought of seeing again. It was only at that point did she admit to herself of the fact, that both her insomnia and her doing out here this morning were because she wanted to see Lavi again.

When Lenalee did not provide an answer, Lavi sighs softly, peels off his jacket and proceed to wrap it around her.

"It's much too early and too cold for the bride to be coming out here all alone," Lavi remarks, "Be careful not to catch a cold."

Lenalee looks up at him, "Lavi. Are you leaving already?"

"I have a train to catch, yes. Although I can still spare a few good minutes."

"Mm."

Lenalee had no idea what to say. She'd came out on a gut feel, that Lavi would soon leave and then proceeded to this gate for it provided the most straightforward means towards the train station. She had been right. Gut feels are dependable things after all, mostly.

"Lenalee…" Lavi says quietly. He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, but then he stops shorts all of a sudden. He'd caught sight of the earrings he'd gifted her so many years ago.

Taking a step towards her, Lavi then embraces Lenalee. Although taken by surprise, she doesn't retaliate, nor say anything.

She fit perfectly in Lavi's arms, like she always had. He had enveloped her, pressing his face into hair, and it had been so natural. They both realise that this morning would after all, soon mark the second time that he was leaving her without a word. And they both also know that once he's gone this time, they might never ever cross paths again.

Tears welled up in Lenalee's eyes, and she let them fall easily. It had been a long internal battle. But just then, Lenalee realises she wasn't the only one who had to do this alone. Lavi, who'd been holding her in his arms, was shaking. He was now crying.

It had been difficult for the both of them.

That morning would be the last time Lavi and Lenalee ever saw each other. After years of struggling and pining and hoping, now that Lenalee belonged to someone else, it has to be the time to move on.

That morning, Lenalee watches as Lavi picks up his duffel bag and leaves the order grounds. Still feeling the bit of warmth he'd just provided, she watches as Lavi turns around midway to wave once, but then she had to watch his figure go further and further away from her, until he turns the corner, never to be seen again.

And Lavi, with a heavy heart, lets go off Lenalee once more. He takes away with him a final touch, a final whiff of her scent and a final kiss on her forehead. He'd crossed the street, turned around to wave once, and the moment he turned back to move along, he knew it would be the last time he ever saw her.

As Lavi boards his train, and as Lenalee slips quietly back to bed, they both close their eyes and think of each other. For only in their thoughts, they were free and they were free to love the other, and someday, maybe in heaven, they'll find each other again.


End file.
